When our kids leave home we have a natural opportunity. Finally there’s time to refocus on our marriage. This is crucial not only for our own marriage relationship but also for our children’s security. They need to know their parents are happy together and working on their relationship in fresh ways. It relieves them of feeling responsible for our happiness. And it forces us to let go of controlling their lives and instead strengthen our relationship with our spouse. In addition it gives them the message that they will need to work on their own future marriages throughout their whole lives. We must model a life-long commitment to work at marriage.

There can be a tendency by either the husband or the wife to remain too involved in our kids’ lives. It’s hard to let go. We miss them. Perhaps at a subconscious level some may want to stay involved with their children thereby avoiding the “marriage issue.” But we know that’s not the answer. The right thing to do is to take specific steps to grow closer to our spouse in this season.

Both Barbara and I found it helpful to re-commit ourselves in our marriages as we entered the empty nest. We call it “putting a stake in the ground.” After the last of our children’s weddings, John and I went away for a few days vacation to a friend’s beach house. While we were there we visited a little chapel and went through the wedding ceremony on our own, restating the vows to each other. We knew a little more what that meant this time!

Barbara and Dennis did a similar thing when their last child went off to college. “Re-upping” the commitment was pivotal for both of us. Yes, we did it at different times and in different ways. And we two couples don’t have perfect marriages. There aren’t any! But we continue year in and year out to work through issues, to dream about new visions as couples for our empty nest years, and to forgive one another frequently, even when we don’t feel like it. Knowing we are committed until “death do us part” forces us to get things straight. In the process we are enjoying the sweet companionship that comes from years of a shared history and we continue to seek God’s will for this ongoing, ever changing empty nest season.